Chasing My Tail June 4, 2007

Seperation Anxiety. Usually this term is used to describe others….kids, dogs……but I think I’m the one with it!

Today in a last ditch effort to try and get Fiona to fall in love with the bottle I dropped her off at her Grandparents house at 8:30 a.m. and won’t go pick her up until 5 ish tonight. (unless things go REALLY south) I gave her a good feeding before we left and reassured her that I loved her and tried to explain what was about to happen to her. I know she will be fine. I know this is not going to scar her soul for life. I know she won’t starve or dehydrate. But man….this is hard…I guess for me.

Where is the line? Where is the line between caring for your child, gaining their trust, giving them a secure base and coddling them too much? Yes sometimes love is making the harder decision, sometimes love is teaching them independence by being independent from them….but is it always that? When does responding to your babies communication that they need something become spoiling them to think that they should always get their way? There seems to be two parties…one party reassures me that Fiona is still too young for that (i agree with this party)…and the party (generally from an older generation) who warns me that the manipulation has already begun. When did communication become manipulation? And even though I agree that Fiona is still too young, that responding to her requests is still teaching her that she is secure in the household and that I shouldn’t listen to anyone else but my gut….I can’t help but to pause when I get “the look” from others or hear a sly comment. I don’t want to get caught on my heels (oh the # of times I heard that in basketball and soccer practice) and suddenly Fiona is three and we’re jumping at her every whimper.

Of course this all brings me to my aging inner debate. Do I go back to work? On one hand it is good for her and for me. She learns to be content with other loved ones, I learn that we will all be o.k. if we are seperated. She learns and experiences things that she might not encounter with me alone, I continue to grow and maintain my own interests outside of her. But consequently I cause her stress….maybe just initially…maybe that will go away and maybe that’s another arguement for…but stress none the less. Do I cause her to question her security? Do I look too deep into the puzzle? =) And even though she will be staying with grandparents that cherish her….no one is as good as mom. Yes…my dirty little secret that I not dare speek out loud because I don’t want the grandparents to hear. Will they spend hours on the floor with her playing…go for walks….carry her around picking her up and down doing all the things that need to be done to keep her happy? Will they…..and can they? This takes a lot of energy to do! Which brings me full circle to the question at the top….maybe it’s better for her to not do all things that need to be done to keep her happy.

I know. Whichever way we go we will all be fine. She will always be surrounded by love. There is no right answer. I keep waiting for this clear picture….but I know there never will be one. I just keep chasing my tail. They always say it’s harder on the mom then the baby. I hope they are right.