The last couple of days I’ve been having a “feeling sorry for yourself” sort of week. I get these waves of feeling like things should be starting to come back together more for me now and they still aren’t.
I should be working out on a regular basis now and I’m not. I can’t even figure out how to do it unless I get up at 5 a.m. in the morning – which might not be so bad if she was sleeping through the night…but right now every extra bit is very precious. We have the jogger but with work I already feel like I don’t spend enough time with Fi, to take out a hour in either the morning or the night and stick her in the stroller instead of holding her or playing with her seems wrong. So I can run with her on my days off…but the rest of the week we only have a couple of hours together at best.
Greg should be taking care of her more but we’re not there yet and even if we were he’s traveling every couple of weeks for weeks at a time and then it takes him a week at home to get back into the swing of things. (let me add here that he has been trying really hard…it has been a big learning curve and fiona – true to form – is challenging) I’m sure a lot of new parents feel this way at times but I just feel like I’m the one shouldering all of the planning, running, waking, taking, watching and there’s never a moment for me to get to do what I want unless I plan it around her sleeping-which keeps me of course house bound…
There are a lot of perks to going back to work for sure… it gives me mental time to myself that you don’t get at home…but it doesn’t give me physical time for myself…it doesn’t give me time to do things that I want to do because my time away is still someone else’s time and my time at home is so limited that it’s all Fiona’s. This is a balance I have yet to figure out.
Being a working mom has also landing me in a social situation that I’m new to. I still see all my single friends or friends with grown kids at work, and they are always planning things to go do…but I can’t do those things because I have a baby at home. I don’t meet a lot of moms with babies our age because…well…i’m at work, and I can’t have play groups or go to music class or the gym or the park. So people who are in our current situation and we could do things with I don’t meet, and people that I know we can’t go do things with. I thought being a stay home mom was somewhat of an isolating situation…but I’m learning that being a working mom is too.
It’s getting better and I have to remember that. And it will continue to get better and change as she gets older, I have to remember that. And he’s getting better and she’s getting better with him so I have to acknowledge that and not ruin it by opening my big mouth – it’s a process and it’s processing…I can’t make it go any faster….I just have days. Everyone has them and we are all shouldering different things….this is just mine at the moment.
Feeling sorry for myself when really I’m the only one who can change the way it is. Maybe we have to stew a bit before we can get the energy to take matters into our own hands and do whatever it is that we need to do. I will get there I just need to simmer a bit longer.